


You Bet it All (When You Play Me)

by fembuck



Category: Gypsy (TV), Gypsy (US TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Established Relationship, F/F, Femslash, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 17:47:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fembuck/pseuds/fembuck
Summary: After months of uncertainty, Sidney finally knows the truth about Jean.  The question now is, what is she going to do about it?





	You Bet it All (When You Play Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the line, “Do you bet it all when you play me?” from the song Sidney was sang in episode 1x01.

Jean flipped the power button on the coffee maker, took a few steps to the side to throw a bagel into the toaster, and then opened and the fridge to remove a carton of milk, tipping it over a bowl of multigrain cheerios while reaching into a nearby drawer for a spoon.  Replacing the milk, she kicked the fridge door shut with her foot, popped the spoon into the bowl, and made her way over the island where Dolly was seated. 

“No iPad until after breakfast,” Jean reminded her lightly, reaching for the device with her right hand while depositing the bowl of cereal in front of Dolly with her left.

Dolly groaned, tilting her head back dramatically, but she didn’t put up a fight, which Jean was grateful for since she was too mentally and emotionally preoccupied to deal with unnecessary drama that morning.

As had been the case so often of late, Jean was consumed with thoughts of Sidney. An alert had sounded on her phone a couple of minutes before, and a quick check of her lock screen had confirmed that the text was from the brunette.

She hadn’t seen Sidney since the night of her speech at Dolly’s school, but Sidney had made her presence felt through texts since that night. 

The first had been a screenshot of Jean’s profile page from her practice’s website. 

Then there had been an Americano coffee in a to-go cup with Jean’s name written on it with a heart drawn drawn around it. 

After that there was a picture of a print out of an article from the Darien local paper about the school play, with lines about Dolly’s wonderful performance as Peter Pan, and an aside about how mom, Jean Holloway, had come to the rescue the day of the play, coming up with a creative solution to a technical problem that could have ‘grounded Peter Pan’ for the performance.

The texts were just Sidney proving absolutely to Jean that she knew exactly who Jean was, but after Sidney had appeared at Dolly’s school, Jean hadn’t doubted that. What was preoccupying her thoughts was speculating about what Sidney would do now that she knew, and fretting over the fact that Sidney was so impetuous it was unlikely that she would be able to accurately predict and plan for whatever Sidney was going to do before she did it.

Leaning back on the kitchen counter, Jean watched Dolly for a few moments, making sure that she got a good start on her breakfast, and then she reached for her phone. When she opened Sidney’s text, she found an .mp3 attachment along with a copy of the picture Sidney had taken of them in the storeroom of The Rabbit Hole - the picture Jean thought she had successfully deleted, not just from Sidney’s Instagram, but from existence.

“Fucking Cloud,” Jean muttered soft, mentally kicking herself for not assuming that Sidney had backed up the image.

“What?” Dolly asked from the island.

“Nothing,” Jean said, looking up and over at her daughter, offering her a bright smile.  “Mommy was just talking to herself about work. Go on and finish your breakfast.”

Dolly went back to eating after that, and Jean surveyed the space around her restlessly, scanning for headphones before she heard movement on the stairs and realized that she would have to leave listening to whatever it was Sidney had sent her for the train.

Clicking her phone to sleep, Jean placed it out of what was likely to be Michael’s line of sight, and then busied herself removing a pair of mugs from the cabinet. Moving over to the coffee maker, she filled the two mugs and fixed them as usual, finishing just in time to turn around and greet Michael with a warm smile as she held out his mug for him, looking like the embodiment of domestic perfection.

\---

As soon as Jean found a seat on the train, she dug into her bag, pulled out her phone and a pair of earbuds, rested her head against the wall of the train, and set the .mp3 Sidney had sent her to play as she gazed out of the window.

 _//Oh Genie_  
Genie  
You mysterious thing  
Beautiful creature  
Made of smoke and sin  
What’s your game, Genie?  
What are the rules?  
If I break them, Genie, what will you do?  
  
If I give you a kiss, Genie  
Would you do?  
Would you grant me a wish or two?  
Or would you burn me alive?  
For my presumptuous ways  
What lies in your eyes?  
I need to know  
I freed you,  
you’ve trapped me  
I can’t let go

 _Oh Genie_  
Genie  
You mysterious thing  
Beautiful creature  
Made of smoke and sin  
What’s your game, Genie?  
What are the rules?  
If I break them, Genie, what will you do?

 _You ageless creature_  
Wellspring of desire and sin  
How I need you  
crave you  
don’t go away  
Give me arsenic or lace  
It don’t matter me  
Now that I’ve gotten a taste  
I just want you to stay//

Jean’s eyes closed as she listened to Sidney’s song, blocking out the train and the world beyond it, allowing her to lose herself in Sidney’s rough, rich voice.

She listened to the song on repeat for the enter ride to Grand Central, and then before exiting the train sent a text to Sidney:

_“If I could grant you a wish, what would you want?”_

By the time Jean reached street level Sidney had texted back:

_“More than one ;) But for now...”_

Sidney then followed that text up in another text box with that contained a day – the next night - a time, and an address, along with a third text box instructing Jean to ‘wear something hot.’

Figuring out a way to meet Sidney was going to be difficult. Things were still strained with Michael at home, and though he had moved back into the bedroom, he was still suspicious of her every word and move. 

Trust was _not_ something there was an abundance of in their house at the moment, and Jean knew that the type of flimsy excuses that she had gotten away with for the past few months wouldn’t fly the way things currently were.

The situation was desperate, and to get what she wanted, Jean knew she was going to have to resort to desperate measures.

\---

The moment she got out of the cab, Jean’s eyes intuitively cut to the left, to the mouth of an alley, where she spotted Sidney, looking perfect as a picture, leaning casually against a brick wall, taking a drag from a cigarette.

When Jean joined her, Sidney silently offered the cigarette she had been smoking to Jean, and Jean gratefully accepted it.

“Where do the husband and munchkin think you are?” Sidney asked casually as Jean took her first drag.

Jean took a moment to enjoy the cigarette, exhaling slowly, before her lips twitched up slightly as she met Sidney’s gaze.

“With my mom,” Jean replied, the twitch of her lips turning into a real smile when Sidney laughed.

“And where does your mom think you are?” Sidney probed amusedly, watching as Jean lifted the cigarette to her lips again with a lazy smirk.

“Dealing with the consequences of my actions,” Jean replied distractedly, caught up in observing Sidney as the younger woman gazed at her, eyes sharp and alert despite the looseness of her posture. 

At that moment, Sidney looked like a predator surveying prey, but after listening to the song Sidney had written about her and their situation, Jean was certain that Sidney had no intention of attacking. This meeting wasn’t an ambush, it was a declaration. Sidney was still in, she had placed her chips on Jean, and despite how much higher the stakes had become, even with the increased risk of discovery, Jean couldn’t stop herself from betting it all again too.

Unable to resist any longer, Jean stepped closer to Sidney, reached out for the back of her head, and drew Sidney into a kiss. Sidney responded immediately, sighed into Jean’s mouth as her body arched into Jean eagerly, and Jean deepened the contact between them, kissing Sidney desperately and hotly, possessing Sidney’s mouth the way she had been fantasizing about doing for days.

“Does your mom know about this?” Sidney asked breathlessly when they separated, her tone caught somewhere between genuine curiosity and teasing.

Jean breathed in and out deeply before taking one last drag from Sidney’s cigarette and then stomping it out.

“I think she suspects,” Jean admitted, languidly tracing her thumb over Sidney’s plump bottom lip. “She saw you getting out of my car in Darien.”

Jean was fairly certain her mother hadn’t seen Sidney kiss her goodbye, but her mother knew her – better than Jean liked to admit she did – and there were very few explanations that would explain why someone like Sidney would be in her life, let alone why Jean had secretly been driving around with her when she was meant to have been at her daughter’s school making punch, taking pictures of the kids in their cute little costumes, and fretting backstage with the other mothers.

“So I look like the type of trouble you typically get into?” Sidney asked, reaching out to play with the bottom of Jean’s jacket.

“Yeah,” Jean breathed out, taking hold of Sidney’s hips and then tugging the woman towards her, enjoying the way Sidney’s breath hitched at the possessive display. “Something like that,” Jean continued before gently kissing Sidney’s jaw, and then down to the warm, soft, tempting flesh of her neck.

“I wasn’t your first girl, then,” Sidney commented, calling out what seemed to be another one of Jean’s lies even as she tilted her head to the side, giving Jean better access to her skin.

“Are you jealous?” Jean asked playfully, sucking hotly on Sidney’s neck, drawing a surprised groan of pleasure from the younger woman.

“Just trying to determine if a single thing you ever said to me was true,” Sidney gasped, eyes closing briefly as Jean’s mouth worked her flesh.

“It wasn’t a lie. Not really,” Jean murmured, her lips still playing against Sidney’s throat as she spoke. “Though I suppose,” Jean continued thoughtfully, “in retrospect, that there was…”

“What was her name?” Sidney interjected eagerly, pulling back from Jean so that she could see the blonde’s face.

Understanding that they were through making out for the moment, Jean took a step back from Sidney’s body, knowing that it would be easier to think without Sidney’s scent and warmth surrounding her.

“What does it matter?” Jean asked cagily.

“It matters because I want to know you,” Sidney replied, eyes dark and intense as she shifted to the side, following Jean’s wandering eyes, forcing the older woman to meet her gaze.  “Despite the fact that you’re like super fucked up … I can’t stop thinking about you.  I can’t stop wanting you. And, before you say anything, I know that’s totally fucked up too. But maybe that’s what makes this,” Sidney said, reaching for Jean’s hand and taking into her own, “so fucking intoxicating."

Sidney averted her eyes from Jean's then, glancing down to watch as she played with Jean's fingers. "The thing is," Sidney began softly, looking up to meet Jean's eyes again. "Even though I can obviously forgive a lot," she continued, gesturing between them, acknowledging the fact that she was there, talking with Jean, kissing her, even after everything she had learned about the woman and her lies. “I do have some fucking self-respect," she stated, holding Jean's eyes seriously. "If you want to keep this … keep _me_ , there needs to be some fucking honesty. I may lie on occasion, but I’m not a total fucking fabrication. You know things about me, real things. I need some real things from you too …Jean.”

Jean inhaled and exhaled deeply, then nodded her understanding, knowing that Sidney meant it. She had done a lot of taking, and Sidney was not the type to brush that aside forever. She needed to give a little.    

“What I felt before, it wasn’t like this,” Jean related softly, earnestly, brushing her thumb gently over the back of Sidney’s hand before placing Sidney’s hand on her waist, a soft, content sigh escaping from her a moment later when Sidney took the hint and gripped her hip, stepping into Jean’s personal space and wrapping her arms around her.

 “I didn’t lie about that,” Jean continued, burying her face in Sidney’s neck, nuzzling and kissing the warm skin for a few moments before pulling back.

“But,” she continued, “I think … I mean, my mother told a story at dinner the other night.  It was about … there was this girl, when I was in high school. Her name was Farrah.  She was beautiful … talented. Talented enough to make me jealous,” Jean continued, smiling a little - despite herself - when Sidney smiled at her words. 

“Farrah and I, we ended up spending time together, working on a school play, and eventually that jealously transformed into something … else.  I became fascinated by her … _infatuated_ , according to my mother. And, with my new perspective on things, I can see now that there have been others, other women who I’ve responded to with more intensity than usual … but I honestly never understood what that feeling meant until you,” Jean said, voice whisper soft as she tilted her head forward to kiss Sidney. 

“I realized something at dinner that night, though.  I realized my mother always knew. She understood what I was feeling better than I did, and it’s so clear now that so much of the shit she put me through was to stop me from reaching that understanding.”

“What shit?” Sidney asked softly.

Jean closed her eyes and ran an anxious hand through her hair as she thought about Sidney’s question and how to answer it.

“It was … like a form of grooming, of domestication … every natural instinct criticized, shamed, corrected. My adolescence was like … fucking boot camp, training me for normalcy … for a man, for marriage, for a profession, for … a typical suburban life,” Jean continued, sighing deeply.  “It was suffocating.”

Sidney exhaled harshly, the frustrated sound and her furrowed brows a testament to the anger she felt on Jean’s behalf, but when she tilted her head up to kiss Jean, none of that anger bled though to her lips or her hands which, were gentle and sweet as a summer breeze as they caressed Jean.

“She fucked you up pretty good, huh?” Sidney breathed out when they parted, her finger idly toying with the ends of Jean’s hair.

Jean rolled her eyes at that, not loving the bluntness of Sidney’s words, but she didn’t remove her hand from Sidney’s.

“I’ll agree that she definitely had an effect on me,” Jean allowed before turning her head to the side to observe the large crowd gathered outside the main entrance to the club she assumed they were meant to go dancing at. 

“Are we going to go in, or did you just invite me here to enjoy the breathtaking view of these warehouse dumpsters?” Jean asked as she turned to face Sidney once again.

“Use of sarcasm as a defense mechanism, noted,” Sidney commented lightly, recognizing a diversion tactic when she saw one.  “Just one more question.”

“If you insist,” Jean replied a bit morosely.

“Why’s your mom being your alibi tonight if she’s such a hater?”

“She thinks I’m going to end it,” Jean replied, shrugging. “She thinks I _can_.”

“End it?” Sidney asked curiously.

“Yeah … whatever it is she thinks is going on with me,” Jean replied, leaning into Sidney, resting her forehead against the younger woman’s. ”She thinks I can be reasonable.”

“And you can’t be?” Sidney asked, eyes dancing as that wickedly playful smile that had been compromising Jean’s better judgement since the moment they met curved up her lips.

“Not usually,” Jean admitted, “and apparently especially not when it comes to you,” she continued honestly, watching as Sidney’s smile softened in response to her words.

“You have the same effect on me, you know?” Sidney breathed out.  “I mean, by all rights I should be fucking furious with you.  I shouldn’t want anything to do with you.  But,” she purred, leaning forward to press her lips to Jean’s, kissing her with heat and need and abandon; providing physical proof of ephemeral words.  “Here we are,” Sidney whispered, stroking Jean’s cheek softly when they finally pulled apart.  “We’re quite a pair.”

“A pair of what?” Jean asked breathily, still dizzy and warm from Sidney’s kisses.

Sidney shrugged.  “I’m not sure it matters, as long as we are. But,” she continued, lightly, “For now, let’s dance. I’ve been dying to get my hands on you for days,” she groaned, running her hands from Jean’s hips behind the blonde until she was able to grasp Jean’s ass.

“We could skip the dancing and go straight back to your place,” Jean suggested as Sidney’s hands kneaded her ass in a way that made her really want to be somewhere where there was a bed and no other people. 

Sidney bit down on her bottom lip and chewed on it thoughtfully for a moment.

“Half an hour?” she asked hopefully a few seconds later.  “A buddy of mine pulled some strings so we could jump the line. I should show my face.  I promise, I’ll make it worth your while.”

“How?”

“You’ve danced with me before.  You know how.”

Jean’s mind filled with memories … Sidney’s body plastered against hers … Sidney’s hand sliding under her shirt, up her back … Sidney’s fingers sliding under the waistband of her jeans, teasing the warm skin beneath … Sidney’s lips sucking at her neck, Sidney’s teeth nipping at her jaw, her chin, Sidney’s tongue licking into her mouth, and her voice whispering hot sin in her ear.

“Half an hour,” Jean agreed breathlessly, and Sidney laughed knowingly before taking Jean’s hand into hers and tugging her towards the club’s back entrance.

\---

They crashed into Sidney’s apartment, limbs tangled together, stumbling as they kissed madly,  their hands roaming, grasping, cupping, tugging … lost in need, barely aware of their surroundings as they tripped over boots, and pressed each other against bookcases and desks, slowly staggering further into the apartment, seeking out a soft flat surface.

“You know,” Sidney breathed against Jean, in between kisses. “I’ve been thinking a lot about your mouth.”

“No shit,” Jean replied as she used the mouth in question to attack Sidney’s lips again, nipping at the brunette’s bottom lip for good measure.

Sidney smiled into their kiss, and let Jean continue to lead things for another few moments before she finally pulled back.

“That’s not exactly what I meant,” Sidney commented as Jean’s eyes focused on her kiss swollen lips, staring at them covetously.

“What did you mean?” Jean finally asked, knowing that she wasn’t going to get her lips on Sidney again until Sidney decided she could.

“It’s just strange to think how something so beautiful can be so fucking devastating.”

“I never meant t…”

“Don’t,” Sidney interrupted, placing a finger over Jean’s lips to halt the flow of words falling from them.  “I’m not angling for some bullshit apology.  I always knew you were full of shit. Your story was Swiss cheese,” she continued, remembering all of the holes and contradictions in the stories “Diane” told.

Diane said she had a sister and a niece, but also claimed she was an only child. Diane was encumbered by worries about houses, and kids, and adult responsibilities, but she claimed to be a single-woman in her 40s who worked freelance and rented which meant she should have been free to do what she wanted, when she wanted, for whatever reason she wanted. Diane was supposed to have been a professional writer in the age of digital media, but she had no on-line or social media presence. Diane claimed to work freelance, but kept regular office hours…

Diane’s life was one contradiction after another, and very early on it had become clear to Sidney that captivating and beautiful as Diane was, she was manipulative, and a liar, and hiding something significant.

“I just think that it’s fair,” Sidney continued thoughtfully, “that after using your mouth for wickedness for so long, that tonight you use it for good.”

“I thought that’s what I was doing,” Jean breathed out, biting down on her bottom lip as her focused gaze on Sidney’s lips, clearly wanting to get her mouth back on Sidney’s.

“True,” Sidney purred, unable to deny that kissing Jean was a euphoric experience. “But I had something else in mind,” she continued, moving her hands to the waistband of her jeans before popping the button and slowly, pointedly, unzipping her pants.

“Oh,” Jean exhaled as a powerful shiver of arousal coursed through. “Yes, ma'am,” she added softly, knowing from previous experience the effect the words would have on Sidney ‘I like to dominate’ Pierce.

Sidney’s breath hitched, and her jaw clenched as a strong wave of desire tore through her.

“I like the sound of that,” Sidney breathed roughly, eyeing Jean hungrily.  “Keep saying it.”

“Yes ma'am,” Jean repeatedly obediently, drawing a wickedly predatory smile to Sidney’s lips.

Then, before Jean could distract her more (or take too much control of the situation), Sidney made a show of shimmying out of her jeans, careful to draw her panties down along her legs with her pants so that she could give Jean a good, long look at her bare legs and perfect ass as she sauntered towards her couch, knowing that Jean’s eyes wouldn’t stray from her for a moment.

“God,” Jean breathed out, sounding almost pained when Sidney took a seat on the couch and spread her legs, exposing her most intimate flesh to Jean’s worshipful gaze.

“Be a good girl, and come to Daddy,” Sidney instructed, voice low, and rough as she crooked her finger at Jean, beckoning her to come closer.

Jean released a shuddering breath and then began to walk towards Sidney, mind fuzzy and heart pounding, as she drew closer to the source of her arousal.  Stopping about a meter away from the couch, Jean then dropped down to her knees, and as Sidney grinned at her, she began to crawl towards the brunette.

When Jean finally came to a stop between Sidney’s legs, she placed her hands on the brunette’s knees and ran them up and over Sidney’s thighs, enjoying the feel of the silky flesh and the way her teasing made Sidney’s hips buck slightly, needfully. 

“What do you want me to do … Daddy?” Jean whispered, pressing her lips to Sidney’s knee while gazing up at the younger woman, her eyes wide and her expression open, expertly feigning a look of doe-like innocence.

“Fuck,” Sidney groaned, drawing out the word as she bit down on her bottom lip, captivated by the sight of Jean between her legs, staring up at her looking so eager to please. “Make me come,” she breathed out, her eyes glassy with desire as her kiss swollen lips parted in anticipation of the pleasure Jean’s mouth was about to bring her.

Jean smiled slowly, a wicked glint replacing the earlier wide-eyed innocence, and still holding Sidney’s gaze, she purred, “Yes, Daddy,” before pressing a kiss to Sidney’s inner thigh, which she followed with another, and another, moving higher and higher until finally her mouth reached the wet, warm, place where Sidney needed her most.

Sidney’s eyes closed and her head tilted back in ecstasy as Jean’s tongue stroked her and moments later she reached out, searching blindly for Jean’s head, tangling her fingers in Jean’s hair, holding Jean against her as she rocked into the blonde’s mouth rhythmically, already desperate for release.

Jean smiled into Sidney’s heat as her tongue continued to explore, content with the knowledge that even though she was the one on her knees … she was Daddy now.

\---

Jean ran her fingers lazily through Sidney’s hair as the woman placed soft kisses on her stomach, slowly, teasingly kissing her way up Jean’s body.

“How much longer do I have you for?” Sidney asked brushing her lips against Jean’s sternum, Sidney’s mouth so near her breasts making Jean’s heart begin to beat faster despite her exhaustion from their earlier activities.

Jean angled her head to the side and strained a little to try and get a look at the digital display on the alarm clock beside Sidney’s bed. She’d driven into the city, so it wouldn’t take as long to get back to Connecticut as it would if she had to take the train, but she was still facing at least a 45 minute drive. 

“An hour,” Jean murmured just before Sidney’s mouth closed around her nipple and her fingers instinctively tightened in Sidney’s hair, holding the woman against her as she moaned her pleasure.

“Call him, tell him you decided to spend the night at your mom’s,” Sidney implored, wrapping her arms around Jean, giving her a full body hug as she continued to nuzzle her face into Jean’s chest. “It’s been forever since I’ve gotten to wake up with you. Sharing is caring.”

Jean released an amused puff of laughter at that before she shook her head sadly. 

“He’d believe I’d been abducted by Martians before he’d believe I’d voluntarily spend the night with my mom,” Jean breathed out, brushing her fingers against Sidney’s cheek gently.  “I wish I could stay.  I liked falling asleep in your arms.”

“And waking up in my mouth?” Sidney asked, eyes glinting naughtily as she gazed up at Jean.

Jean’s eyelashes fluttered and her lips parted, her breath falling hot and heavy for a moment before she smiled and breathed out, “That was a very pleasant way to start the day.”

“When can we do it again?” Sidney asked, tilting her head into Jean’s hand before searching out her fingers and taking Jean’s thumb into her mouth.

“Right now,” Jean suggested, breathing deeply as Sidney expertly teased her finger.

“I meant you sleeping over, not oral, you horny little bitch,” Sidney replied pinching at Jean teasingly before she nonetheless began to kiss her way back down Jean’s torso.

“I’ll work on it,” Jean exhaled, tilting her head back into the pillow beneath her as her eyes slipped shut. “I promise.”

Sidney hummed, placing a kiss on Jean’s hipbone, then on her stomach just above Jean’s neatly trimmed dusting of blonde hair, and then … she pulled back and moved up the mattress to join Jean, flopping onto her back beside the blonde.

“What?” Sidney asked, feigning innocence when Jean turned to look at her, pale eyebrow raised in question. “We were talking about wakeup head.  I can’t do my part until you do yours.”

“You’re such a brat,” Jean muttered, though a soft smile spread across her lips as she gazed at Sidney.

“Takes one to know one,” Sidney shot back, and Jean laughed as she rolled onto her side so that she was facing Sidney.

“You sound like a nine year old,” Jean said teasingly.

“You would know,” Sidney remarked, noting the way Jean’s body tensed and her brows furrowed, even as she continued to tenderly trace her thumb over Jean’s cheek.  “Is she the reason you stay?”

Jean was silent and still for a moment, her expression inscrutable as she observed Sidney.

“Of course,” Jean finally replied, dipping her head down, hiding her eyes. “I could never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my daughter,” she continued softly, ignoring the incredulous scoff Sidney released in response to that. “She’s not the only reason though.”

“No?” Sidney questioned.

“No,” Jean confirmed.  “I do actually love Michael,” she stated, making a point of looking up to meet Sidney’s eyes as she spoke.

Sidney held Jean’s eyes for a moment before nodding her head slightly a few times.

“Sure,” Sidney murmured. “Okay. But are you in love with him?” she asked astutely, her gaze piercing as she stared into Jean’s eyes, watching her closely.

“Of course,” Jean replied immediately.

“You say that a lot, but when it comes to you ‘of course’ is total bullshit,” Sidney stated coolly. “How could I assume that? Why would I, when you’re lying naked in my bed with my taste on your lips?  When you told me yourself that you live according to how you think you should?” Sidney continued challengingly. “Do you love him? Really? Or is it an extension of you feeling what your mother trained you to feel? Of you living the life you think you should?” Sidney pressed on though her tone had gentled.

“It’s complicated,” Jean hedged, feeling a truth in Sidney’s words, in Sidney’s questions that she didn’t want to face. 

She loved Michael, but what that meant these days was somewhat of a nebulous thing, and that insecurity made it a thing she didn’t want to think about too deeply.

The first time she and Sidney had drinks together, Sidney had told her that the key to happiness was active denial. It was a sentiment that Jean shared. It was a sentiment that Jean had lived the majority of her life according to.  It was a sentiment that had become a way of life for Jean, and as a cognitive behavioral therapist, Jean knew that habits were hard to break.

“Is it?” Sidney asked, a dark eyebrow arching as gazed over at Jean.  “Should it be?”

“I need him,” Jean responded brusquely, certain of that at the very least.

Michael was her rock.

He was her stability.

He was the constant within the chaos.

She didn’t know how to function in the life she had ended up with without him.

“You don’t need him,” Sidney stated, reaching out to stroke Jean’s cheek tenderly.

“I do,” Jean insisted, even as she closed her eyes and tilted her head into the warmth of Sidney’s hand.  “I need him.”

“Why?”  Sidney breathed out. 

“I … I don’t…” Jean shook her head unable to find the words to articulate what she was feeling - uncertain if she even wanted to find them - and angled her head away from Sidney, blinking more rapidly than usual as tears began to sting her eyes.

Sidney sighed and lay her head back down on her pillow, watching Jean thoughtfully as the other woman avoided her gaze, her mind whirling, leafing through all of the bullshit “Diane” had told her, looking for the holes, the slip ups, the contradictions where she might find real parts of Jean’s truth. 

“You told me once,” Sidney began, a memory from when they got high together locking itself into place, “that you thought Michael didn’t have any real control over himself.  But, you weren’t talking about Michael, were you?”

Jean angled her head back towards Sidney, and the look in her eyes when they met Sidney’s was almost pleading.

“Is this really how you want to spend the time we left together?” Jean asked.

“Fuck no,” Sidney breathed out. “I want to be talking about where we could go to grab breakfast in the morning.  I want to be planning a vacation with you that we could actually take instead of just talk about.  I want to talk about the things that are important to you without you looking at me like I’m performing dental surgery on you without anesthetic.  I want to be forming a relationship with you instead of feeling like a fucking sex toy.”

“Don’t say that,” Jean said imploringly.  “You’re so much more than that,” she continued, eyes watery and shimmering with emotion as she leaned forward to kiss Sidney softly. “You’ve called me reckless before. And I am.  I know I am.  I have trouble … self-regulating sometimes,” Jean went on. “But within that recklessness I’ve always managed to maintain a level of discipline.  Always … until you,” Jean closed her eyes and shook her head. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this. You weren’t supposed to be able to do this to me.  I thought I could handle it,” Jean said a little helplessly as she shifted closer to Sidney on the mattress, “But here I am, once again risking blowing up my entire life to be with you. So don’t say that. Don’t say that I don’t care about you. The truth is I can’t stop caring.”

Sidney released a frustrated sigh, and settled onto her back, eyes focused on her ceiling.

“Why did you do it?” Sidney asked, resisting the urge to look over at Jean.  “I mean, Sam was your patient, right?  You’re the hot therapist.  I know where you work now, and The Rabbit Hole isn’t on the way to your office. You didn’t stumble upon it.  You went there intentionally … I have to assume to find me … because Sam told you about me. But why?  What was the fucking point?  What the fuck were you doing?”

“I was trying to help,” Jean replied honestly, knowing that this secret was beyond trying to salvage, at least with Sidney who had already unravelled so many of her lies. 

She had trampled over every ethical guideline that existed between patient and therapist when it came to Sam, and Sidney knew it. If Sidney wanted to burn her professionally, she already had more than enough ammunition to do it.

So why not answer honestly? 

Why not be open for once?

In her car, by the train tracks the first time Sidney had come to Darien, Jean had told Sidney she wished she could be more transparent with her, and it hadn’t been bullshit. 

She saw so much of herself in Sidney, and she knew - she had known almost from the moment they had met - that Sidney was someone who could understand her, and just as importantly, in the months that they had known each other, Sidney had shown a desire to get to know her… the real her, to discover the raw, dark, messy heart of her. 

If there was anyone in her life that could not just handle her truth but also fully understand her, it was Sidney.

And as Jean lay there, she realized that she wanted to be understood.

She wanted to be known, and loved despite it.

She wanted that desperately.

“I hear one perspective in my office,” Jean began. “I’m exposed to one point of view. But there’s never just one side to a story.  You know that.  Others would disagree, do disagree.  They say that our job as therapists is to believe absolutely that with time comes clarity.  They believe that getting patients to keep coming to sessions, to keep putting in the work is the best we can do as professionals. Even if the treatment isn’t working, even if they keep making the same mistakes, even if we’re doing nothing more than helping them to keep their heads above water, like Sisyphus we’re just supposed to keep pushing the fucking rock up the mountain.

“But I can’t.  I won’t.  We can do more.  We can do better.  We can actually help.  I know we can make a true difference in people’s lives, and _that’s_ what I want to do.  What I try to do.  I try to gain a greater perspective in order to counsel my patients more effectively.  Meeting friends, family members, people that are import to them, who affect their lives, talking to them, it allows me to gain insight and a fuller understanding of my patients lives, of their true selves and circumstances.

“That’s the fucking point.  That’s what I was doing. Seeking truth in order to guide change, and provide lasting, meaningful help.”

“Have you helped?” Sidney wondered out loud.

“Many people, yes,” Jean replied earnestly, turning her head to face Sidney only to find that Sidney’s eyes were still averted.

“Did you help Sam?” Sidney asked, her tone inscrutable as she continued to avoid Jean’s gaze.

“For a while,” Jean replied, sighing softly.

“What went wrong?”

“You,” Jean replied.

“How so?” Sidney asked softly, finally looking over at Jean.

“You were bewitching,” Jean replied instinctively, drawing a smile to Sidney’s lips.  “I wasn’t prepared for how you affected me.  I’m used to being the one digging out and exposing and hidden truths, but you turned the tables on me and uncovered secrets I didn’t know I was keeping.  I fell under your spell, and eventually I couldn’t separate my professional goals from my desire for you.  He was my patient, but my thoughts, my attention, my interest … they lay with you. That loss of focus, it’s never happened to me before.”

“You couldn’t control it,” Sidney stated, finally turning her head to look at Jean.

“No,” Jean admitted.

“And that loss of control, it scared you?”

“Yes,” Jean whispered, looking away from Sidney as she did.

“So that’s it,” Sidney breathed out, returning her gaze to the ceiling.

“That’s what?” Jean asked curiously.

“Why you got so fucking weird last week,” Sidney replied, knowing enough about Jean now to really understand how Jean’s fear had started to influence her behavior when things between them had started to become too real, too intense, too chaotic and irrepressible.

“Wasn’t I always weird?” Jean asked, the question, drawing small smile onto Sidney’s lips.

“Yeah, but like in a, ‘constant vigilance is needed because the kingdom of lies I’ve created to explore of my latent homosexuality could threaten my probable life of suburban comfort and boredom’ kind of way.”

“That was really, super specific,” Jean observed wryly.

“You had a really, super specific pathology,” Sidney replied, ignoring the indignant look Jean gave her. “You were always a fucking whirlwind, but what I had been able to count on was the way you looked at me; the way you responded to my touch, to my nearness. What was always clear, despite the lies, was that you wanted me. Enough to keep buying coffee you didn’t need, to show up at dive bars and hipster parties and make small talk with douchebags even I can barely stand so that you could be near me. Enough to delete Sam’s contact info from my phone.”

“You noticed that?” Jean murmured.

“Uh, yeah,” Sidney replied, laughing a little when Jean looked over at her sheepishly.

“I just …”

“Wanted me all to yourself?”

Jean nodded.

“I figured as much, which is why I wasn’t pissed. I was happy actually,” Sidney admitted, shaking her head at herself, knowing how that sounded. “For so long you were … fog, intangible, slipping through my fingers. I wanted so badly for you to want me as much as I wanted you, and when you did that it seemed like maybe you did. But then when things were finally moving forward, finally getting real, you …”     

“Got weird in a different way?”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Sidney sighed. “Turned into a heartless fucking asshole is also a way of putting it,” Sidney continued bitingly. “All of that shit with Sam, getting me to go to his engagement party, trying to get me to talk to him, trying to convince me that we were good for each other.  It was so fucking confusing … and cruel,” Sidney breathed out, brows creasing as she remembered the hurt and confusion she had felt that night.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” Jean said, reaching out hesitantly for Sidney, giving the young woman time to pull away from her if she didn’t want to be touched.  But Sidney stayed still, and Jean traced her fingers down her bare arm before linking their fingers together.

“Weren’t you?” Sidney asked, not willing to let Jean off the hook so easily. “What was it you said in your speech? People inflict pain on others so they don’t have to feel it themselves? That’s what you do, isn’t it?” Sidney continued, remembering back to when they had gotten high, remembering what Jean told her about the relationship Michael had with ‘Fucking Katherine’ when he and Jean had broken up one time. Remembering how Jean had described mentally torturing Michael for having kept mementos of Katherine, for not having been able to completely excise the memory of someone he had cared about even though he had cut off all contact with her. “That’s what you did last week,” Sidney stated firmly. “You didn’t want to feel out of control anymore, you didn’t want to feel weak anymore, so like a coward you tried to remove temptation by whoring me off to Sam.”

“You’re right,” Jean sighed, looking away from Sidney, unable to disagree with Sidney’s analysis of her actions.  “I’m a fucking coward.”  

“That was more than just cowardice. That was some sick shit, Jean,” Sidney stated, “Seriously.  What you did, it fucking hurt, a lot. You made me feel stupid, and worthless,” Sidney continued, pulling absolutely no punches.  “You asked me not to say things that make it seem like you don’t care about me, but you see how it looks that way?  How it could feel that way, don’t you?”

“I do,” Jean breathed out, hand twitching with the desire to reach out and touch Sidney again, though she managed to restrain the urge this time, not wanting to test the delicate balance that existed between them at the moment.  “I regret what I did.  I’m ashamed of it.  I am,” she breathed tremulously.

“Now,” Sidney muttered.

“Always,” Jean replied.  “That’s what drives the behavior,” she said, dropping her gaze from Sidney’s when the younger woman snorted derisively.

“I hated you for it,” Sidney related, “when I left the restaurant, when I was at home alone that night.  I hated you so fucking much.”  Sidney sighed deeply and shook her head. “But now, it’s like … I don’t know.  Maybe it was a good thing you were such a hot fucking mess,” she continued, “because ultimately what you did, it helped me see you, really see you for the first time. The veil lifted, revealing this dark, damaged, twisted creature, and … do you remember, at the Brickworks, when you said everyone who crossed my path ended up a casualty? You weren’t wrong, not really, but what you did helped me understand that you weren’t describing just me. And after that realization … I just … needed to find out who you were, like really, who you were.”

“Why?” Jean asked. “After how I acted … how I hurt you.  Why did you want anything to do with me?”

In the past, she had faced rage, disbelief, disappointment, and condemnation from people who had been hurt by her.  She had been cursed, and slapped, and even spit on by people whose trust she had betrayed. She had felt that Sidney would be different, and she was relieved to be right about that, but she was also curious.

 “Because I’m emotionally invested,” Sidney replied, eyes dark, and focused, and intense in that way that always made Jean feel warm, and tingly inside. “And you’re a fucking mess but so am I. We’re complimentary disasters, and I don’t know, I think that we could not just survive each other, but thrive together. Super fucked up or not, I want to find out, and I go for what I want.  Desperately, recklessly, just like you.”

Jean was still for a moment, absorbing Sidney’s words … and then she smiled, the expression growing even brighter when Sidney smiled back at her and, unable to resist the urge to touch Sidney any longer, Jean surged forward, cupping the brunette’s face in her hands and she kissed her fiercely.

“I can’t make you any promises,” Jean exhaled as they parted, her fingers stroking Sidney’s cheek tenderly.  “I can’t walk away from my life.”

“All I’ve ever asked for is honesty,” Sidney replied softly. “And to be inside of you,” she added a moment later, which draw a much needed laugh from Jean, relaxing some of the tension in the air.

Sidney angled her body to the side, glancing at the digital read out on her alarm clock.

Her hour was almost up.

“Twenty minutes left,” Sidney murmured, angling her body back towards Jean, and then shuffling closer to her, draping her bare thigh over Jean’s.  “I want you.  Can I have you?”

“I don’t know?” Jean murmured, chest rising and falling more quickly as Sidney’s proximity caused her arousal to grow.  “Can you?”

“Just because I had a crush on my social studies teacher, it doesn’t mean you have to talk like her,” Sidney commented playfully before dipping her head down to dust Jean’s collarbone with kisses.

“I thought you liked role-play,” Jean teased.

“Mmmm,” Sidney hummed.  “Maybe next time,” Sidney continued, running her hand up Jean’s torso before cupping the blonde’s breast, her thumb brushing roughly over Jean’s once again hard nipple, “When I’m not on the clock.  For now,” Sidney continued, bringing her hand down lightly on the side of Jean’s ass. “Turn over.”

“Yes ma’am,” Jean exhaled as she shifted, following Sidney’s order.

“I liked Daddy better,” Sidney commented as Jean resettled herself on the mattress.

“I know … ma’am,” Jean sassed, sighing a moment later when Sidney’s lips began to ghost over her back.

“Cheeky little bitch,” Sidney murmured, running her hand slowly and soothingly over Jean’s ass.  “You know I’m going to make you pay for that, right?”  

“I hope so,” Jean breathed, moaning shortly after when Sidney’s hand landed on her ass, delivering a quick, open palmed smack.

“Oh, you liked that,” Sidney purred, nipping at Jean’s shoulder as she slipped her hand between Jean’s legs.  “You liked that a lot,” she whispered excitedly as she stroked Jean, smiling when the blonde sighed, her hips twitching hard into Sidney’s hand. 

Sidney angled her head to the side again, checking the clock.

“How many times do you think I can you come in twenty minutes?” she asked, her lips brushing against the sensitive skin of Jean’s ear as she spoke, sending a shiver through the blonde’s already extremely stimulated body.

“As many times as you tell me to?” Jean replied.

“Ooh, very good … Daddy’s pleased,” Sidney purred, nipping at Jean’s shoulder impishly when the blonde laughed lightly. “Let’s test that theory out.”

 

They did.

And by the time Jean stepped into Sidney’s bathroom for a quick shower they had learned that the answer to Sidney’s question was three.

 

**The End**

 

_Comments, great or small, are always welcome and greatly appreciated!  Thank you so much for reading, and I hope that you enjoyed the story :)_


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